“Come on and stir it up…”-Bob Marley

The music of Bob Marley always puts me in a sexy mood. The kind of mood where I am moved to turn the lights down low, burn some explicitly named incense, and revel in the bliss of his voice and lyrics. I spent some quality time with his music—immersing myself in songs that I have been singing along with since childhood. And while it’s hard to choose a favorite song from his rich and robust catalog, I’ve always had an affinity for “Stir It Up.” I find myself closing my eyes and daydreaming about the love of my life and what “he” will be like.

“It’s been a long, long time…yeah…since I got you on my mind…”
I want someone that craves me as much as I crave them. We’ll satisfy each other’s’ appetites—be it emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, or intellectual. He’ll be my homey, lover, and friend. My confidant and sounding board. And I’ll be his. Each encounter would be like foreplay, building sweet anticipation for what lies beneath.

“I push the wood…then I’ll blaze ya fire. Then I’ll satisfy your heart’s desire…”
I don’t believe in perfection, so I wouldn’t mind those moments down in hell as long as we were determined to work through them. I want him to make me laugh. I want him to make me cry. I want him to make me think. I want him to challenge me and keep me on my toes. I need him to love me just as much as I love him. I need him to have faith in my dreams, be my co-adventurer and vice versa. I want him to give me reality checks and keep me on task.

“Quench me when I’m thirsty….come on and cool me down baby when I’m hot…”
Simply said: I need him to stir me up.

Last week as I waited for my pedicure to dry…I started flipping through an old issue of Glamour magazine and came across this interesting article called A Woman’s 12 Firsts as an Adult. The list was actually pretty cute and included a woman’s first orgasm, the first time you took your guy home to meet your parents, etc. I’ve been thinking about it ever since and I’m going to do a list of a woman’s firsts. Here we go….

Do you remember the first time… Read the rest of this entry »

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”—These words look familiar right? Of course they do. We’ve all either heard them or said them—more than once for some. But, do people really understand the weight of those words?

As a single woman, I’ve attended countless weddings, and I’ve heard what seems to be every variation of the traditional wedding vows, but it took me years to realize the true weight of those—thought to be—simple words of commitment. Especially the often dismissed: ‘In Sickness.’

Yes your man or woman might be the picture of perfection now, but what would happen if they lost a limb, or got a terminal illness, or became mentally handicapped because of stroke? Would you stay faithful? Read the rest of this entry »

“Now me non-clairvoyant and in love, made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible”-Jill Scott

There’s an unfortunate epidemic on the verge of becoming a pandemic that is sweeping the hearts of woman the world over. Granted it hasn’t received any widespread news coverage, but it is a bonafide silent killer. It’s called “not-your-boyfriend-itis.”

Ladies, several of us have picked up the interesting habit of giving men that we are not officially involved with, relationship rights and status. Why are we extending the benefits of being in a relationship sans commitment? I would not dare assume that every woman in the world is in search of a relationship or that they have a problem with this sort of setup. However, I do believe that the majority of the time, this type of arrangement is neither intentional nor desirable .

So how does one end up succumbing to “not-your-boyfriend-itis?” Having suffered from this ailment myself, I can say that it is typically bred from a situation where there has not been a honest conversation about expectations; therefore, whether by chance or of piss poor planning, you find yourself in this muddled gray area of existence. “Not-your-boyfriend-it is” is not to be confused with standard dating. As matter of fact, it starts with you reducing, if not cutting your dating roster, to focus most of your attention on your pseudo-beau. This method only leads to a lot of confusion when expectations that only you know about are not met, and ends in you playing Jill Scott “Love Rain” on repeat. Then there are also those instances when a gentleman has clearly stated that he is not interested in being in a relationship and one subsequently settles for what one is given.

So what is the cure for “not-your-boyfriend-itis”? I would like to say there is an easy answer equivalent to a cooty shot. However, it is not that easy. Or perhaps it is. The key to rectifying this situation is communication—addressing what needs are not being met, what your expectations and non-negotiables are, and making a decision about the sustainability of your situation. Sounds easy enough right?

“I never want you to be my man. I just need your company”- Amy Winehouse

Not every woman is looking for a long-term commitment—me being one of them. There I said it. While women like me don’t mind a little affection on occasion, that doesn’t mean we’re looking for a ring. Granted this goes against everything society would like us to believe about womanhood, but the truth is, many women love living single. Shocking right? But men do it all the time with discussion (or a blog post on the subject).

It’s a novel idea that women can in fact not only think like, but also date, like men. But that’s the reality. Blame it on the impact of the character Samantha Jones of Sex And The City, but some women want to be free to ride the ebbs and flows of the dating world as they see fit.

Ladies, are you happy to live the single life, or are you needing and wanting commitment.

Over a decade ago, the internet for all intents and purposes was still pretty tame. Sure there was AIM on AOL , Collegeclub.com, and the notorious BlackPlanet, but there still remained a very distinct division between “my space” and MySpace.

Fast forward to the present, and not being net-savvy makes you something of a Luddite. Social media rules the world and personal business is now sprawled across very public spaces. On any given day, one can log into Facebook and know who is in a relationship, who is no longer in a relationship, and who’s relationship has now become “complicated”.  The Facebook news feed is the official “street committee” of the world wide web.

While in conversation with a friend about her beau, I asked if she would update her FB profile to reflect that she was in fact “in a relationship.” She chuckled and replied, “That is not Facebook’s business.” While I was primarily asking in jest, I was also asking because I have become so very accustomed to the newly formed public display of affection that Facebook status updates have created.

Prior to 2005, “in a relationship” was a theoretical term that is now forever engraved onto a Facebook profile, and Lord forbid you break-up…the “ <insert name here> is single” update which is sure to show up, is just visible.

Should people in relationships, make it known on their Facebook profiles? Part of me wants to say, “YES, what’s the big deal?”; while the Scorpio in me revels in the idea of privacy. Is it really your Facebook friends’ business if you’re in a relationship?

My current Facebook relationship status is: Married to Infinite Possibilities. I like it that way.

What’s your take on this?

Jay was fine.

Scratch that. Jay was sexy AND fine.  I saw him outside working security at this arbitrary happy hour spot in Union Square. He had Asiatic eyes, a beautiful milk chocolate complexion, and a warm dazzling smile (with dimples).  Adding on the fact that he was taller than me (which for a 6 foot plus dame is a rarity) made him damn near perfect. I think a triple take would be an underestimate of how many times I caught myself staring at this man.

He was the kind of man that you hoped gave you a hug that never ended— because he looked so damn warm and cuddly. And in light of the drop in temperature, he was definitely winter boo material.

I know “cuffin” season as the Northerners call it might be slightly archaic, but as I contemplated the fact that I had no idea when they would begin running the radiator in my building, ”cuffin” season seemed like something I could get with.

As my girls and I stood in front of the club contemplating our next move, I had an even better opportunity to get acquainted with my prospective “cuffer”. I sparked up the conversation, and he ran with it (thank God). He joked about me bringing him something back to eat—this wouldn’t turn me on in any other circumstance—and I smiled and flirted back.

After a few minutes of light banter I extended my hand and introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Suezette.” He shrouded my hand in his and replied, “Hi I’m Jay.” Before I knew what I was saying, somewhere a voice that didn’t belong to me but came from inside of me nevertheless said, “You’re cute.” With a smile so bright that only the sun could rival. He replied, “You’re cute too.”

Needless to say, my next move needed no contemplation…

TO BE CONTINUED….

There is a very pointed statement about assumptions, and since I never want to be on the ass-side of assuming, I decided who better to tell us the XY’s take on commitment than well…men. I took to Facebook and asked the simple—yet complex—question: What are signs that a man is ready to commit? Check out what a few of the fellas who answered had to say:

“I’ll start to incorporate you into more aspects of my life than earlier in our relationship, start to spend more time with your friends, make more of an effort to go to church with you, etc.”- Dan, Single

“I looked for the qualities in an individual that I would want to grow old with like what type of interaction she had with her parents/family, how she treated my mother, was she humble, and she would most likely have a key to my place.”-Bubba, Married

“Signs he’s ready to commit: he leaves his cell phone around and lets you answer the phone, likes your food even though it tastes weird, lets you be yourself, makes a point to speak to you all the time, kind of scares you with his new found liking of you, he surprises you, he talks about kids and marriage, he doesn’t mention other women, he’s cool with your parents, he messes up and tries to fix it, and sex is not a major issue.”-Jacques, Single

“Real talk, there is no such thing as a “sign” that he’s ready to commit. Commitment from a male is one of those things that just happen without warning. You can’t force it, you can’t rush it, and you can’t time it. It happens when HE’s ready and not a moment before. The things that need to occur before he’s ready to commit vary from man to man just as taste in women vary.”-Ben, Married

Ladies, do these resonate with you?

Fellas, do you agree?

Want to know more about what women want out of love? Tune in for Michael Baisden’s “Do Women Know What They Want” premiering October 22nd on Centric at 10p/9c.

“Sue-Z you didn’t move all the way to New York to end up with a stalker. You need to cancel your date,” was the directive given to me by my brutally honest yet loving best friend over the phone. Since she typically reserved calling me “Sue-Z” when she was making a point, I knew that she was serious. 

As I recapped my initial conversations with my latest prospect, it became apparent that I might actually be building a case for him being a bit…off (translation: deranged). After a thorough conversation that was laden with a slew of Oh No’s, Girrrls and No Maams—what I’d attributed as him being “different”, was summed up by her as downright crazy.  

“He sounds like one of those guys that would sit outside of your window and play Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak album on repeat all night,” she said. And maybe she was right.

In conversation number two, he was already talking about having kids with me—4 or 5 to be exact. Not to mention the constant text messages throughout the day—especially when I couldn’t reply instantly.  While I’ve come to realize that men in New York are far more upfront than brothas in the South, baby talk in phone convo number two is not small talk that I am used to by any means.

As I thought about it more, this man was showing signs of someone very controlling—the type who will pop out of no-where while you are shopping to “surprise” you, only to keep tabs on what you are doing and who you are trying to do it with. 

I guess it’s a good thing that he ended up being a no call, no show.

Oh well, on to the next one.

"See girl, here comes yet another bus"

“You realize that you’re acting like the dude in this situation right?”—this told to me by a guy who’s trying to “talk” to me.

I didn’t know whether or not to laugh or to simply hang up the phone and feign a dropped call, but good manners won over and I simply replied, “Sir what do you mean?”  He answered in a tone that sounded partly amused, but mostly hurt, “I wanted to spend time talking to you and getting to know you and you’re running off to Harlem. What you just gave me is a quickie.”

In my defense I live in Brooklyn and I needed to go to Harlem to get my hair done. The sooner I made the journey to Harlem, the faster I’d make the trek back all the way across the wonderful kingdom of Zamunda to my home (obvious exaggeration, but you get the point on how far I was having to travel).  My intent in calling him was to engage in mild small talk, what I got was a guilt trip that landed me on the phone with him for an additional 30 minutes. Read the rest of this entry »